So as an experiment, this week I am going to try to have a new post every day. Why? Because I can goddamnit. I consider it an experiment, I will be seeing if I can post about a thousand words a day (likely a little less, depending on how lazy I get. Doesn’t that sound like fun?

So what shall we talk about today? Well, the only real game I have been playing recently is…Super Smash Brothers. Uh. Woo!


Seriously, that was the biggest game I played recently. I had no internet for about a week, so I stopped using my Xbox. After a brief game of Smash Bros Brawl with my friends, I realized I didn’t have…any of the characters unlocked! That wouldn’t do! So I played the campaign alone. This being my third time playing through, I feel I can now present a fair, balanced opinion of the campaign; It sucks. A lot. Seriously, if you have a chance, don’t play the campaign. Let me break down its problems into numbered categories, in no particular order.

1. The story. My problem with the story is that there isn’t one. They have pre-rendered cinimatics, but with no dialog its impossible to tell what is going on. Some of the villains in the story (such as Bowser) seem to just be acting evil for the sake of being evil. Hell, The Master Hand (aka the final boss of every smash bros game ever) has a really terrible cameo and you don’t even fight him.

Although you have to hand it to him, he is quite the boss.

Which brings me to point 2.

2. The finale. Logistically I probably should have talked about this last, but whatever its relevant to the story. Towards the end of the game the characters are pushing into Subspace (…although why is not clear, as they have been avoiding it the rest of the game), and come face to face with the evil entity that was controlling the Master Hand! Now we see the ring leader! Even if it wasn’t clear there even needed to be a ring leader or anything. So who is it? Is it Ganondorf? No that would have been too clever, and hilarious given that Ganondorf is considered the worst character in the game, and we already beat him. Perhaps the crazy hand? He was a secret boss in the other games, so he would certainly make an great final boss! No he’s not even present in the game, he’s also a secret boss. Maybe its Sonic? That would actually be brilliant: Sonic trying to take down marios amazing franchise! Nope, he shows up at the end for no reason, so it’s not him.

Nope. It’s a whole new character, called Tabuu.

Seriously.

Ok. Well, I can understand wanting a whole new character for the finale, cool, ok! However I feel they seriously mishandled him. Considering you don’t even know he exists until the second-to-last level, and we STILL don’t understand his motivation at the end. Why was he blowing up the world? Why blow them up with portals to subspace? Was it just to annoy the only people out there who could beat him up? He also doesn’t speak so he’s just…there.

Now if he just appeared, and we fought him, then he would be simply annoying. No, that’s too good. First we must go through “The Great Labyrinth”. This is the most pointless padding I have ever seen in a game, and its absolutely painful. Basically its just you going through every other level, and fighting every character, before fighting Tabuu. Seriously? Why? It’s not even a Labyrinth, you HAVE to go to each and every corner or you can’t continue! By the time you get to him, you don’t even want to play any more.

Ugh. I am just going to move on.

3. The Enemies. Early in the game, you are fighting koopas, and goombas; staples of the Mario universe. This is awesome, as it makes you feel like this world is part of something. Then very soon you are fighting the most generic enemies possible, most of which have NO artistic similarities to each other. Sure, some of them are similar, and they are supposed to be the creatures from subspace, so that works. What about the guys with Tubas for heads? Or the birds that dive bomb you? Or the R.O.B robots? Or the four armed flying squid thingies? Seriously. Most of the enemies have no relation to anything else, and it feels like they were just thrown in. It’s really annoying, and I wish they had stuck with a similar theme. I am not saying all the enemies should have been the same, that would be even worse. What I am saying is that they could have been less random.

4. The Platforming. Ugh. Platforming in this game brings back memories of all the worst NES games. Some of the characters in Super Smash Brothers aren’t particularly maneuverable, but in this you are required to go through levels pretty quickly, all while fighting those annoying enemies as mentioned. There are leap-of-faiths, death traps, timing based traps, all kinds of things. All of these things are annoying, but here’s the twist: Even then the game is way too easy. I mean surprise traps can kill you out of nowhere, as can bullshitty enemies, but other than that you can breeze through.

The actual game, the fighting with your buddies, is actually a lot of fun. The levels are colorful, the characters are varied, and the items quickly cause chaos. It’s totally unbalanced, ridiculously unfair, and has a fairly sharp learning curve…but if you have four friends who know the game, the hours can pass shockingly fast.

Wait. I seem to remember the game being more complicated than this...

But of course, this isn’t to sell the game to any one: If you wanted this game, you already own it. It’s funny that way.

2 Comments

  • Gotta love it when games put in a boss and fail to antagonize him … and then make him a butterfly angel. I’m scared -_-

    Good luck with that post a day thing, I have trouble getting posts out every week.

  • Nick Romain

    The joke was, that the characters were toys being played with. The final boss being master hand, was a joke because it meant the toys were rebelling, and that was funny. Then brawl comes out, and instead of the hands, being the last boss, they make it some butterfly dude. They fucked their OWN story. Way to fail Nintendo, get better writers already.

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